The three of us were very active after school. Meeting in the CBD, going to each other’s
places and hanging out, letting one another know when we got out first personal phones. We kept in touch real good. I even went over to RayRay’s campus one time and slept over.
I can’t, however, tell you when we started to drift. Or how. I had long lost touch with
Constance. She lived the furthest out of the three of us. It was hard to get her to come out. I remember this one time I found her in the CBD, I was so excited I left my family to go talk to her in the middle of the street for more than half an hour. My mom chewed me up and spit me out for days because of that. But that was the last time I ever had a
real conversation with Constance.
Did I mention how much I suck at people? I feel like I should say that again for this next part. For Constance, it was more circumstances than anything really. And between us two, we’d be too quiet for comfort. So Ray is in this school in another province. I have gone to see her that one time. She has introduced me to her boyfriend. And I’m glad,
things are starting to look great again. We’re back on track. And the idiot that I am, I go back to my own school and resume my life again. Truth to tell, I had started to feel like we were branching apart for a while earlier on, hence the visit. You know, to try and mend the seams. I have a tendency to move off with the wind when I’m rolling around without an anchor. Ray was my anchor and her being far away, us having to form different lives far from each other, had me out here like underwear on a clothing line,
drying outside. If that thing doesn’t have sturdy pegs and you turn around you won’t find it there. She used to tell me in high school that she didn’t mind how I did not speak much and that in her opinion, the truer best friends could go ages without speaking to one another. So No, my guilt was not justified.
This is what happened. I lost my way with her. See we talked for a while when I got back to my own school but, whether it was seeing her moving about with the new young man, or me just feeling detached from her, we started drifting again. I was slacking on answering her texts. At this point, we were not even calling each other. Texting was our favourite form of communication. Yes. Judge me/us. Her being so far and apparently in love made me think I was not really needed now. You know, because that’s how friendships and sisterhoods work. Wasn’t I just killing it.
She used to text me a lot. Even after I was the one who’d left the conversation. Just to slip this in: this wasn’t the first time it’s happened. OH, MY GOD, I AM A TERRIBLE
FRIEND. But yeah, she would say hi to me on WhatsApp and failing that, use regular messages. And I would talk back. Sometimes I got bored. Sometimes she got bored. One of us would leave. To this day I hate leaving people hanging on they phone. Because when she did it to me I’d feel hurt. Then I’D do it to her! Stupid, I know! But we were just getting started.
Talk about your Johnny-on-the-spots. She would call me when she hit the CBD on weekends to see if I could come through. We both lived very far from it, about two hours tops on a regular afternoon. So one had to be reeeeeal patient in the waiting if you got there before the other did. To prove to one another that we were still down.
Eventually, promises started breaking. People got stood up. Tempers rose. Until we just faded out of each other’s lives completely. With quiet people, you don’t even know it’s happening. There is no savagery involved, no trash talk, no, dramatic episodes or posts on social media, or gossip just, silence. Radio silence for daaaays. Not even a comment to a mutual friend to let them know you two no longer speak. And that’s gotta be the most hurtful. Because one moment the world revolves around the other, then the next, you might as well be titled ‘LinkedIn’ in her email notifications.
She will give you the courtesy of staying in her inbox for a while, but before you know it, you’ve moved to the archives or classified as spam. It’s a tragedy. The last time we spoke, she was telling me some pretty big news. She’d gotten pregnant by the boy she’d introduced me to. I was happy for her. Genuinely. She asked me when I would come to meet the little guy I told her I’d panga myself and come. It was far. But I really wanted to go see her. I still felt connected to her. And her telling me about the baby meant she’d never let go either. I really did mean to go. I had it all planned out. But like I said, I suck
I don’t know if there was a sign I was waiting for…
Or maybe I was just wholly lazy,
Whatever it was, I’ve never gone.
And she’s never asked after me.
I could see her getting tired.
We’ve grown differently, and separately. I think sometimes I feel like she’s left me behind. I cannot see her. And I no longer know where I fit in her world. Like I have nothing to offer her now. That road where she’s gone is foreign to me, and I dare not follow for fear of getting lost. She is too far ahead. I have lost her. I don’t know when
she’s coming back