Let me tell you something. Listen, no, no listen. Let me tell you something.
This is going on in my head, even though I don’t know really what I would say in defense of myself if they did shut up. I am sitting in my chair at work, listening to my colleagues as they tell me all the things they’d like to me change about myself. Sometimes it’s in the back of an SUV and my parents are upfront lamenting the pitiable excuse of a woman I have become. It feels like I’m drinking battery acid. I don’t know that I bring this on to myself but I can’t help the entrance of royally garbed self-loathing into the hall of my thoughts. She looks toward self-doubt who stands across the floor bearing an air of tolerant boredom like a bachelor at a ball in the middle of a London Season. They have danced too many waltzes in my head we all know the steps by heart. The ambient ball room atmosphere, however, belies a turbulent raging storm of emotion.
I can martial my thoughts. In fact I’m quite adept at feeling and leaving it at that. Logic is the infantry in my mental army. The front liners of my cavalry. But they get swept away so swiftly and completely by the climbing tides of emotion its all you can do to take deep breathes. As I listen to the shard-like words from my mother’s mouth, she tells me what a retarded idiot I am, how I can’t do anything for myself and how I’ve lost intelligence the much I sleep. A woman shouldn’t do that in her family’s house let alone her own house. My lack of initiative when it comes to waking up Sunday mornings strongly bothers her, I can tell.
On the other hand my work mates think I should be more proactive and engaging. They feel I sit too much and that I should try and ‘get out there’ and discover things. I’m not sure what they think I’ll find. I’m not explorative by nature, at least not with people; I tend to plan my days in the mornings and evenings and stick to that plan. And suddenness puts me off because it disrupts everything. Despite the fact that I hate structure. But they see me too coddled, I think, too used to having things how and when I want. Hah, Lol. So they try to paint a grimmer picture of life for me. No clue where they get that from, but it takes me on such a guilt-trip for trying to achieve things I want. I understand life changes, and I also know I will change with it. I put up no resistance to that fact, but rushing me to live my life how you wished you had lived yours is not going to change your current position. We all make different choices considering where we are. I will take what I have at the time and employ it the best way I know how. That might not be what you would do but you aren’t Jesus here, you can’t take the wheel. Yes, I might be wrong, but they will be my mistakes. You made your own.
It burns me pointedly when someone tells me what I could or could not be doing at my age. Why? Why are you telling me this? Were you doing the things you’re telling me I should be doing at this age? Don’t impose your lately acquired judgments upon me when you already missed your shot. It irritates the skin off of me. I will take what I need. I’m afraid I’ll leave the rest. I already know my dreams, and I’m working on them, even though they might not seem valid to you. Offer applicable counsel. I fail to see how your criticisms will assist me anywhere.