I distance myself from my feelings so I never know what I want to say when I want to say something. I mean, I know I need to say something but I don’t know what because I don’t know why. It’s important for me to know why because I need a reason for things. I need to know structure so I can deduce meaning and then understand what it is that must be communicated. It’s hard to do that when you aren’t close to your subject matter. To understand it you must become it. Lol, I avoid that. I avoid association with that icky yucky, sticky cesspool that is human emotion. Whenever I feel it coming on (much too frequently these days for my peace of mind), I actively ignore it. It’s there, and that’s frustrating enough, but I make sure I don’t give it a voice. It mustn’t take hold. I never allow it to take hold.
It should not be this hard to speak back and explain myself. The temperature has somehow risen a little, because why would my armpits be damp and tickley. Why does the need to justify myself feel so strong when the right response is obvious? And in any case, it would only serve to make her more aggressive. In the young minutes of this confrontation I could have sworn I had a good argument for anything she would say. I had good, justified reasons for any miscalculation she’d throw my way. But she has gone and got personal. She has touched a nerve. I feel that I should not be so easy, that one should dig up the foundations of the Great Wall of China before they find my hackles, but here we are. Continue reading “BOUND”